Knowing me better

On the 20th of October 2006 I wrote my ‘first post on my first blog’. Now, exactly one year later I submit to you my 79th and last post. The past year has been extraordinary: working in Indonesia, travelling in Australia, New Zealand & China. Now I am back in the UK – it seems little has changed… being away you always think that you are missing out on so much at home, but maybe it is home that is missing out so much without you.

I have been re-reading my blog, reminding myself of some of the events I went through & seeing how I struggled to describe some of the cultures and countries I visited. There were some classic, if slightly ott lines from me: ‘this plethora of colour… makes the whole vista shimmer & shine like a leprechaun attached to the national grid’; and some insightful comments from my readers: ‘where in god's name do you find a synthetic penis in Bali?!’, as well as an ongoing debate on most topics between Kerry & DT.

There seemed to be a number of common themes: the advent, passing & return of homesickness; race, racism & cultural understanding; the fickleness & unfairness of the media. I think these are the areas in which I have learnt most – both about the world & about myself. Now that I am home, I hope that having shared these things with you whilst I was away, you will ‘know me better, not as a stranger but as myself’.

Homeward bound

I am on my way home. Properly this time - in a few hours I will board a plane bound for London Heathrow & step back onto English soil for the first time in nearly a year.

I left England expecting to spend 12 months living & working in Indonesia. But instead of (or kind of as well as) I have visited six different countries (plus two special administrative regions), seen two of the wonders of the world (plus five world heritage sites), taken 28 flights (plus one helicpoter) & had my passport stamped 26 times (plus four visas). I've met hundreds of people, some of whom I will stay in touch with for the rest of my life. I've seen so much, done so much, experienced so much. I've had some of the most amazing days of my life, but I've also had some of the worst - both will always stay with me.

So after all this it does feel a bit funny to be going home, but I am ready. It's not that I miss the specific & material things anymore - I learnt long ago to adapt & live without them. But I do miss friends & family. Modern communication has made being away from loved ones easier to bare than it may have been in the past, but all the same I am looking forward to a hug from my mum!

I am not sure how long the joy of being back on English soil will last... it's a risk that I've developed a taste for visiting foreign countries & cultures (regardless of how much I moan about them on my blog) that just hasn't been quenched yet. But for now the buzz of finally heading home is enough. It's been a long journey (in every sense) & I am ready for a rest... for a while at least.

A sense of history

China is old. The Chinese had mastered fire by 600.000bc, a written language & the paper to write it on by 2000bc & a common currency & system of weights and measures by 200bc. Furthermore, much of the evidence & artifacts from this time are still preserved today in China's modern cities & provinces.

the Great Wall

Seeing this is a little strange after Indonesia (which seemed to have forgotten its history) & Australia (which on the one hand had relatively no history & on the other a living history of primitive survival). I now understand the awe of American tourists visiting the UK ('it's so owld').

But the most amazing aspect of China's ancient civilization is how it is still respected today & how Chinese people still learn lessons from it. For example, ancient calligraphy carved 1000s of years ago is still studied by modern day students to learn good grammar & handwritting skills.

I am sure China has changed a huge amount since it opended its doors to the West 30 years ago. Next year it hosts the Olympic Games, putting it firmly in the global public eye. I am sure that the Chinese people will proudly display the modern infastructure created for the Games, but I am also sure that they will use it as an opportunity to showcase their long & facinating history.

the new Olympic stadium

Perceived Risk

My time away has seen me try so many different things. Often these have seemed intimidating - moving to a new country; travelling alone; working in a foreign culture. Sometimes they have seemed scary - diving with sharks; travelling on night buses; experiencing earthquakes. And sometimes they have seemed downright dangerous - riding motorbikes without helmets; snowboarding down mountains; swimming in huge seas. But waiting to throw myself off the side of a canyon the other day, my abseiling guide used the term 'perceived risk' & I guess that's what it's all about... some of the scariest things are infact the safest & some of the things that seem safe should, in reality, be treated with much greater caution.

I am now on the last leg of my trip travelling accross China. The country seems very different from the other Asian countries I have visited over the last year - more modern, more organised - but at the same time seems very familiar - a rice based diet, an incomprehensible language & culture. It feels safe, but at some level I do feel an undertone of fear... the ever present police & military; a proliferation of satelites & anntenae (for mobile phones apperently), a lack of political opposition or protest.

I am sure that my level of risk taking has changed over this past year - I am more open & willing to try new things - but that hasn't made me complacent. I still want to try intimidating, scary & occasionally dangerous things, but perhaps now I have a clearer understanding of how I (&others) perceive these risks.

4.28 million + 5

Well, I have finally made it to Sydney - the last stop on my Australian adventure & the penultimate stop on my global adventure.

Although Australia has a population of 20 million, around a quarter of Australians live in or around Sydney. As I have witnessed over the last two months the centre of Australia is deserted with all the major connorbations lining the coast.

So Sydney is a huge & sprawling city, & temporarily you can add five more to the millions of people that already live here. After two months travelling on my own I finnally have some British friends coming to join me. Tomorrow Zoe arrives - Indonesia didn't work out for her in the end, so while she plans what to do next she is coming out to Oz to reunite the old Ruteng party crew!

The following day Kerensa & her husband arrive. Kren took over some of my responsibilities at NFER but now she is starting an adventure (& maybe a blog?) of her own.

Then finally on Tuesday the famous blog commentator Mr DT arrives - I guess someone else will have to post comments on my rantings for the next few weeks!

I'm really excited that these people who have played such a significant part in my life over this past year are coming to help me end my trip in style - Sydney wont know what's hit it!

No news is good news

I thought, before I went away, that I would miss the 24 hour news culture that we have in the west: waking up to the Today Program on Radio 4; keeping an eye on the BBC news feed while at work; watching the 10 o'clock news before bed. But I haven't really missed it at all.

Firstly my experience living in a developing country showed me how selective the western media is... life & death going unreported because it is too far away, geographically & (maybe more significantly) politically.

You also come to realise, when you don't have your news drip fed to you, that most news is no news... look back over a weeks headlines & what has really happened of significance? Or, in my case, look back over a year of missed news & has anything really happened at all? A new Big Brother winner & the people he/she has slept with? A flood in the north of England which did not kill anyone or destroy anythink irrapairably? A new prime minister, an event that was known so far in advance that it almost seems ironic to call its eventual advent news.

At the moment Australian news is dominated by the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) summit. World leaders are converging on Sydney & the ensuing security lockdowns & public protests are playing havoc with my travel plans! So once again I am keeping an eye on the news, & I guess that's the nub of it. News is what is important to you - news of friends & family; news of filmstars or celebs; news of third world countries in crisis - & what is important to you constantly changes. And what is important to me right now is that Bush buggers off out of Australia & lets me enjoy the final weeks of my holiday in peace!

The sky at night

One of the less obvious differences (until you think about it) about my life here in the southern hemisphere, compared to my home in the northern hemisphere, is the night sky.

Now I'm not the worlds greatest astronomer, but back home I could recognise the basic constellations: The Plough., Orion, etc. But since leaving the UK last November I haven't seen a single one of them.

The sky here is completely different, but no less beautiful. The first constellation you learn down here is the Southern Cross, the emblem of the southern skies. Also commonly visible is the Milkyway, a beautiful cloud-like mass floating across the sky.

But what really brought these differences home was that last night there was a total lunar eclipse. Obviously we have these in the northern hemisphere too, but as I sat watching the shadow of the earth make the moon glow red I couldn't help thinking that back home it was the middle of a summers day. And that made home seem a very long way away.

New friends and old

I'm now well over half way through my travels, both geographically (I started in Darwin, travelled down the middle to Adelaide, accross to Melbourne, over to New Zealand, back to the east coast of Oz & now I am in Queensland making my way down the coast towards Sydney & the end of my journey) and timewise (I return to work at NFER in a little over eight weeks). I am well adapted to the backpacking lifestyle (sleeping anywhere and through anything, packing & repacking my bag, getting bottom bunk) and I am well adapted to being on my own.

Travelling alone has not been a problem, I have been able to do what I want when I want and that is great. It is easy enough to meet people... staying in backpackers (youth hostels) most people are in the same situation and just a quick drink in the local bar & you can have half a dozen new best friends!

But the conversations do start to get a little trying, a little repetative: 'where are you from' 'how long have you been here' 'where are you going next', and if you are lucky/unlucky 'what do you do'. It is nice meeting so many new people, but the routine of learning about who they are and where they are from is getting quite wearing! So now that the end of my year long adventure is appropaching, I am strating to look forward to returning home to my old friends, my old job & my old routines (for a little while at least!)

How ya' doin'?

Walk into any shop, bar or restaurant; board any train, plane or bus in Australia or New Zealand & you wont be greeted with 'hello' or 'how can I help you?', but 'how ya doin'?'.

Now maybe I'm a very restrained English person, but I struggle with this. In my opinion 'how ya doin'?' is a question that can be asked between people who know each other, or at a push between people who plan to know each other & is a genuine question requiring a genuine response. But in this situation the question is more of a greeting & seems not to actually require an informative answer.

When I first arrived in Australia I would, when asked, actually tell people how I was doing, e.g. 'cold', 'tired', 'cool'. But, despite these just being one word answers I soon realised from peoples surprised expressions that this was too much information. Local expressions didn't seem to go down too well either (awesome - oz; sweet - nz) but a traditional English 'fine' seems too reserved.

So suggestions please on how to answer this personal question in an appropriately enthusiastic yet uninformative way!

Skills for life

When I told NFER I wanted to work abroad for a year they thought that it would be great professional development - that I would develop new research skills. Personally, I thought that spending a year abroad would be great for my social skills - that I would develop new people skills.

These two aims have certainly been achieved, but no-one predicted the number of new sporting skills I would develop. First there was the scuba diving in Thailand, then surfing in Indonesia, and now I am in New Zealand learning to snowboard. Admittedly, my snowboarding skills have not developed quite as fast as the scuba skills, & they certainly have been a lot more painful to develop. But it's all good fun! So snowboarding can now be added to the list of skill that I've developed this year & will keep with me for the rest of my life.

Other skins

Kathryn left an interesting comment on my last post about the ability to be different people in different places. I have certainly experienced this phenomena over the last year... more so now than ever.

Ironically it was easiest in Ruteng - although I had to adopt a conservative modest persona which on some levels went against my more social flirty nature, it was essentially a professional persona. One which we all have to submit to in order to earn a living.

karen at work

In Bali I rebelled against this - bikini by day, short skirts by night - & a wilder, more extrovert personality to match.

karen at the beach

Since being in Oz my clothes have matched my activities - walking boots & thermals in the bush; jeans & heels in the city.

karen up a mountain

karen in the city

But my personality? I don't know... I can be anyone: timid; outspoken; life of the party; or quiet one in the corner. Travelling on my own there is no-one to register the difference. No one asking me if I'm ok on the quiet days or telling me to chill out on the manic ones. I kinda like this freedom... it has made me wonder who I really am, but it's liberating to be both Mr Jekyll & Mr Hyde without anyone complaining. Maybe we are always many people, but it's only an experience like this where you can really let all those people come out to play!

You can take the girl out the city...

My travels have now brought me to Melbourne, the first real city I've been to for a good 9 months. Admittedly I've been to Ruteng, Jogjakarta, Dempassar, Darwin & Adelaide, but for one reason or another none of them really felt like cities. But Melbourne does & I'm loving it!

It has the decadance, the style, the noise & the anonymity that is only ever possible in a real city. At last I have the privacy I've been craving (despite being in a city of x thousand people & sleeping in a dorm with 10 other travellers). I'm able to wear shoes & makeup that put a swing in my step & I've been able to get my hair fixed! So I'm sorry, but I am no longer a blond bombshell, just a regular girl with regular hair & a nice pair of heels!

Respect, guilt, disgust

In the last two weeks I have travelled the entire length of Australia north to south, Darwin to Adelaide. A grand total of 3085km through the centre of Australia. The majority of the area I have travelled through has been uninhabited desert. Uninhabited that is apart from the native aboriginal people.

The Australian attitude to aboriginals is a strange one, a mixture of respect, guilt and disgust. There is a great respect for the traditional culture of the Aborigines... indeed the majority of the tourist attractions through the red center are based on aboriginal art, sacred sites and traditions.

However Australians still feel guilty over the British colonisation of Australia that all but destroyed the native aboriginal communities. Today's Australian population seem to feel a huge collective remorse, in fact since 1998 Australia has been holding 'National Sorry Days' as an apology and reconciliation to their native inhabitants. There is also a large amount of positive discrimination and social benefits directed at the Aboriginal community.

Yet despite this respect and this guilt, there is also an undercurrent of disgust. The Aboriginals that are visible in towns and cities appear marginalized and are most often seen begging, fighting and drinking in the streets. Alice Springs, for example, has one of the highest murder rates and one of the greatest levels of alcohol consumption in the world due to its Aboriginal population. Alcohol addiction in the aboriginal community has led to strict laws and it is expected that the Northern Territory will become a dry state within the next five years.

It seems that western culture is continuing to have a negative impact upon aboriginal culture, but who are we to judge... culture is not a static ideal but peoples lives. The Aboriginal community is not a tourist attraction but a group of people with the rights and the ability to decide their own future. And as for the rest of the Australian population? I guess they have learnt to live with their contradictory feelings.

But after my experience of being identified and judged on my skin colour in Indonesia it feels very strange. I thought I had learnt a new level of tolerance, but here I am again looking at a group of people identifiable by their appearance and judging them and the society the live in and my feelings of respect, guilt and disgust seem to be much harder to reconcile.

Life through a lense

I've always been a reluctant photographer, preferring to get copies of other peoples pics than to take my own. This reluctance is not (just) a result of laziness, but more a slight embarrassment - the crassness of capturing a moment & sealing it in a little box for eternity.

This photophobia reached its peak this week at Ularu (no pun intended). I had travelled for days to the centre of the Australian continent to see the worlds largest rock. And so had hundreds of other people. Hundreds of people from hundreds of countries are bussed in each day to photograph sunset, to photograph sunrise, to photograph the worlds most photographed rock.
I found this faintly embarrassing and fully annoying. The rock is beautiful & all that, but its beauty felt sullied by the hoards of people who would only look at it through a view finder. It felt as though each tourist, each camera stole a little bit of beauty from the rock. I began to resent the rock in the way I resent new years eve - the syndrome of being forced to do something (have fun / see beauty) at a certain time just because everyone else around you does.

So I've seen Ularu & I have that picture in my memory, but I don't have pictures of it to show you, instead here are pics of some other beautiful places I've visited that you wont find on an Athena poster or on the front cover of the Lonely Planet.

Mudsely beach, UK

Angel Island, Indonesia

Farmhouse, Madagascar

Mount Connor, Australia (about 60km from Ularu)

Indonesia's far south

The Lonely Planet states that Darwins proximity to Asia can "make it feel as though it is indeed Indonesia's far south". No. There is little, if anything here that reminds me of Indonesia.

The vast landscapes & huge skies of the Australian Northern Territory are the very opposite of Indonesia's volcanic & mountainous terrain. You can easily see through the thin tree trunks & low brush which is controlled by man-made bush fires (if only Indonesia could pre-empt & manage their natural disasters). Whereas in Indonesia you could rarely see 10m in any direction due to dense undergrowth, mountians or trees.


So Australia is not like Indonesia. Good, that's why I came here! The people are friendly, travel arrangements are easy & I have already fulfilled one of the objectives of the trip... I am once again the proud owner of a pair of pointy stiletoe shoes!

Just me (and the hobbits)

It's my last few hours in Indonesia. Zoe has returned to Flores & I am alone again as I will be for the next three months. It's an intimidating thought, but all the same I'm looking forward to a new challenge & a new country.

It'll be strange moving from the worlds largest archipelago to the only country whose land mass is so great it forms a continent. In Indonesia I often travelled between islands by boat & it will be a marked difference to travel across land - across distances so great and so empty I can't begin to imagine what it will be like.

But I am expecting some things to be familiar. Flores is the same side of the Wallace Line as Oz so some of the flora and fauna will be the same. There is also new research suggesting that the Australian Aborigines first came from Eastern Indonesia (check out the Flores hobbit), many thousands of years before I ever thought of making the journey.

So tomorrow I will arrive in another adventure. I hope that this one will be a little easier than the last, but I also hope that I learn & experience just as much.

Blondy does Oz

My time in Indonesia is drawing to a close. I have a ticket to Australia booked for next week, but more significantly I have a ticket booked back to the UK.

I still wont be home until October, but up until now I have only had a one-way ticket. I hadn't realised how unsetteling it was not to know when I would be coming home, but it feels nice to know when exactly I will be coming back to Blighty - even if it is in the middle of winter.

But in the meanwhile it's all about Australia. I've been trying to culturally prepare: I've been drinking lots of beer; I took a surfing lesson; and I dyed my hair blond(er).

This latter attempt at cultural adaption didn't go quite as planned. Of course I was already blond (definatley not 'mousy'... possibly 'dirty blond' if you wanna be picky), but I had some roots showing & thought that a hairdresser in Bali may be able to help. They helped by bleaching my hair so much it turned orange!

It's washing out a little now, but it's still quite extreme. But I guess as I wont be working for the next four months I can take advantage & settle into life as a typical ozzie blond!

Last kiss goodbye

I’m back in Bali, on the second leg of my ‘Goodbye Indonesia’ tour. The tour started in Labuanbajo with the wedding of Ros (former VSO volunteer) and Kasim (local man). The wedding was fun, and in a pleasant mix of European and Indonesian culture, pretty drunken.

I wasn't the most drunk...

...but I was the last one dancing (with the groom!)

After a day to recover, Zoe & I took a two day diving trip – amazing marine life (sharks, dolphins, rays), amazing nightlife (not my usual kind, but a night under the stars with just the sound of water lapping at the boat hull), and amazing company (Zoe of course, I think there may be quite a lot of idolization of the one I’m leaving behind over the next few weeks!)

relaxing on a deserted beach between dives...

...relaxing on the boat between dives!

So then back to Bali, this haven of sun, sea and whatever. I have a few days here alone to sort out final bits and pieces with VSO then Zoe comes out to join me. We plan to revisit some old haunts, including Gilli T – the island where we had that amazing New Year party, which already seems like a hundred years ago.

I still don’t miss Ruteng, but returning to all these other places does make me realize that I do like Indonesia after all – or at least the parts where you can get cheese wine and dancing!

Last words from Flores

‘I have had the leaving party & the leaving presents... all that is left to do now is leave’. I wrote that sentence once before, back in November (a lifetime ago) – I guess that’s the thing with travelling, as well as always arriving some place new, you are also always leaving somewhere.

My leaving party here was quite different to the one I had before I left the UK though. We went to the beach, had a BBQ, played games. Far less alcohol, but still a lot of fun.


the office girls

traditional dancing on the beach

skipping with the boss

So here I am again, ready to leave one place & start another adventure. I leave Ruteng on Tuesday to travel down to Labuanbajo for a wedding. Then the following Monday I fly out to Bali.

At the moment I am not sorry to leave, but I’m sure in time I will look back on this past eight months as some of the best of my life. I will forget the bad stuff (the boredom, the fear, the loneliness) and be able to focus on what I learnt (independence, patience, cultural understanding) and what I enjoyed (the coffee, the scenery, the research).

I will continue blogging, but I guess I wont be your Flores Correspondent any longer. I haven’t thought of a new name for the blog yet, so let me know if you have any ideas.

Just here to do a job (part 2)

The research is finished, written up and submitted, ready to have an impact at an international level. But all along the problem has been how it can impact at a local level. My Indonesian is improving, but it would be a long time before I could personally present the research back to the community. My research team haven’t been paid for the last two months, so I can’t really expect them to do it either. The one forum that seemed appropriate with the time and resources I have left was a seminar of local NGOs, government staff and health workers held earlier this week. Working with the one member of my team who still turns up at the office I wrote a presentation, but now I wonder why I bother.

I’ve been to seminars here before, I should have known how it would go, but my naivety, my optimism about the importance of the research (and probably my fortnight in Bali) made me think that this time it would be different. But of course it wasn’t.

The seminar started an hour late (more or less early in Indonesian terms). Following the welcome & introductions the head of the region was first to speak. Now the general rule seems to be that the head of the region has to talk for twice as long as anyone who has spoken before him, so in this case he rambled on for about an hour. This puts us two hours behind schedule before the presentations have even begun. It was therefore an hour into the lunch break before my colleague was called up to present, and was requested to reduce our already slim presentation into 10 minutes.

At the best of times, the audience at these sorts of events is fickle. It is perfectly acceptable during presentations to wander in and out of the room, hold private (or even large group) discussions, and make or receive phone calls, oh, and if you are male you can (and should) smoke. So in the pre (or more accurately, during) lunch slot, it is fair to say that the audience was less than attentive.

So, on the whole, I think my research will have a limited impact at a local level. Maybe that is my fault; maybe it is a cultural difference. But to be honest, (and I know this may induce some angry comments) I’ve done the job I came here to do, and I think I have done it well. Now it is up to those who live & work here permanently to utilise the research and impact at a level I just cannot reach.

Ready to go

Well I made it back to Ruteng at last, but I’m not happy about it. Coming back has made me realise how ready I am to leave this place. The boredom in the house and the hassle outside of it have always been hard for me to cope with, but it feels all the worse after having spent so much time away. I was always happier here (and maybe anywhere) when I had work to do, but now that has finished I am counting down the days till I can leave.

It’s hard to share these feelings with anyone else. My friends and colleagues in Ruteng have never (will never) understood why life is so hard for me here & what I gave up to do this. Ruteng is their city and they cannot possibly understand the different world I came from and miss so much. Zoe is of course supportive but it seems unfair to complain to her about getting through another two weeks when she has another two years – she is struggling enough with her own decision to stay.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a home / job / life that I’ve been so ready to give up so quickly, but I feel I’ve done what I needed to do here – both personally & professionally – and now it’s time to go. The list of things I’ll miss wont be long, but the list of things I’ve learnt, about myself & about other people, will be, but I’ll save that for another day. The highs and lows here have been immense, I just hope that I can snap out of this negativity soon so I can leave on a high.

Naughty but nice

I guess its been a while since my last blog post & you may have been wondering why... Well firstly, Indonesia has become 'normal' to me, so it's hard now days to find things to write about. Secondly, I've been spending quite a lot of time in Bali.

I travelled to Bali with Zoe 2 weeks ago in order to hold her hand while she had some medical tests. I was supposed to return to Flores after 3 days, but I'm still here! Now this is certainly a bit naughty, I used up my holiday allowance going to Thailand last month. But on the other hand I have utilised the faster & more reliable internet connection to finish & submit my research report.

So what has kept me in Bali so long? It is nice here, but I do keep meaning to leave, it's just that things keep cropping up. I've changed my flight 3 times! The first time was to stay with Zoe whilst she underwent more tests. The second was a public holiday in Flores (why go back to sit at home alone?) and this last time it was a man.

Just when I was getting into the swing of being an independant woman I meet this guy who ticks all my boxes, & the feeling seems to be mutual. We had an amazing time for 5 days, but now he's gone & it's unlikely our paths will cross again unless we make them.

So now I don't know what to do. Would it be crazy to chase what could just have been a 'Bali thing'? Or would it be crazy to miss this opportunity to find out if it really could be something more? It'd be naughty... but it would be nice.

Head up

These days I hold my head a little higher around Ruteng. Maybe I receive a little less attention than I used to, or maybe I am just better at ignoring it. Or maybe by holding my head higher, by feeling more confident, I look less vulnerable, less like a wary tourist and this has reduced the attention I was so nervous of before (this was certainly the case in Bali, where I received far less hassle from the hawkers on my last visit than when I first arrived 7 months ago).

So I am coping better, but all the same there are still a lot of people who shout, point & stare as I pass. It makes me feel like a freak, and I know that what is so shocking / amazing / scary is my white skin. A debate I commonly have, both with Zoe & my Indonesian friends is whether this is racist. The attention is not malicious, but I am being judged by my skin colour & it makes me uncomfortable… I feel that this experience has, on some level, given me an insight into what life might be like for ethnic minorities back home in the UK.

So on this level I am quite looking forward to going to Australia; to no longer being in the minority. But maybe I will miss the attention a little too. I am certain that unless I become famous (& I can’t imagine under what circumstances that might occur) I will never experience reactions like this again. But that is fine by me, in this respect at least, I think I prefer the quiet life.

Sudah

It turns out that my previous post was a little premature (or maybe the opposite of premature…) basically my time here is up already (sudah in Bahasa Indonesia). The project I have been working on for the past six months submits its final report on the 1st of June, & after that I have no more work here in Indonesia. I will spend a little time disseminating, but basically I’m out-a-here.

So it turns out that half way was in fact in February, & instead of ruminating on how I will cope for the next six months I am instead planning an exit strategy & contemplating my return to the western world. I don’t need to return to my job in England until November the 1st, so I plan to stick around in the southern hemisphere a while longer (most likely Australia).

And how do I feel about this? Well, mixed emotions to be honest. I will be sad to leave Indonesia (didn’t think I’d be saying that), and very sad to be leaving Zoe. I will also miss that strange feeling of worthiness that I allow myself to indulge in when I tell the occasional travelers that pass through that I live in Indonesia as a volunteer doing this really hard job in a village where there are few other white people and few basic amenities. I will however be returning to a land with sit-down toilets, cheese, a constant supply of water & electricity, & pavements that permit the wearing of ridiculously high heels.

I have wondered a number of times since I’ve been here whether I should have simply traveled all along, and that for me accepting a job with an INGO was an easier route. I know that may sound strange, but regardless of what I have said or thought about VSO, they are a support network & you don’t get in-country-briefings or lessons in cultural adaptation when you travel alone. So independently traveling for the next couple of months is, for me, as large (if different) a challenge as coming to live in Flores was. Thailand was a bit of a dry run for it, so I’m optimistic & hope that I continue to learn new things and continue to appreciate what I have in the next stage of my adventure.

Half way May

The month of May marks the halfway point in my year long adventure in Indonesia, so it seems like a good point to reflect on how I now feel about living here.

Certainly the homesickness has passed. Although there are still many things I miss from England, the yearning hurts less & there are things here that I appreciate more. I still miss my duvet, my high hells & my friends, but I like living with less, relying on myself more & meeting new people with such different perspectives on life. I think the biggest challenge has been the boredom - these last few weeks have confirmed that I still have a lot of partying left in me & Ruteng is not a good place to do it (apologies to the mop & broom)!

Work-wise, my project has been interesting & I hope it will make an impact. I think the challenges of working with my Indonesian colleagues (primarily language & cultural) have enabled me to explain things more clearly & taught me to make fewer assumptions.

Culturally I have learned a lot too. I am not saying I know or understand all about the culture here (or ever will), but it's been a privilege to observe the differences (& the similarities) between the way I am used to living my life & the way my Indonesian friends do.

So at this halfway point I guess I feel content. It is hard & it is different from the life I am used to - but then that is what is was always supposed to be. Someone asked me the other day if I'd do it again, & I think I probably would. But I would definitely think about it very carefully. I'm more aware now of what my needs are. The first three months are so hard that the time after that really would have to be fulfilling enough to justify going through that again.

Past, present & future

While I was traveling in Thailand I often found myself living in the future, planning what to do & where to stay the next day. But now I'm back in Flores I find I am living in the past, day-dreaming about the crazy nights & the peaceful days I spent in Thailand & Bali. I guess it's a kinda post-holiday-blues, but it's strange to feel it whilst I am still in such a beautiful country.

I suffered this type of constant reminiscence during my first few months in Flores too, remembering good times & good friends from England... it took a long time to get over it & I hope it's not so bad this time.

So how does one live in the present? A guy I met in Thailand said that living in the present is one of the true forms of happiness (a Buddhist sentiment I think). But it's hard; the past & the future seem like much more appealing places to spend time, especially when the present is so challenging.

The loneliness of the long distance traveler

I didn't choose to holiday in Thailand on my own. I was supposed to meet a friend from England, but the friend canceled at the last minute & I was left with a return flight to Bangkok & 2 weeks to fill alone.

It might seem strange that I was apprehensive about holidaying alone, after all I went to Indonesia alone. But in Indonesia I have my work, I have a year in which to make friends, & I have Zoe (although I didn't know that before I set off). I fly home (to Indonesia that is) tomorrow, so how did I find it?

On the whole it was great – a liberating experience from which I have learned a lot. The lack of compromise has been the best & the worst part. I have been able to do what I want, when I want. But I do wonder what I missed out on by not having someone else to suggest I try something or somewhere different. Admittedly there were also times when it was a bit lonely. It was strange being invisible to waiters & bar staff after being so harassed in Indonesia. I blamed the invisibility on being on my own (smaller bill, less tip etc.) but it may just be the Thai culture.

I can't actually say much about Thai culture because I've spent the majority of my time on tourist centered islands surrounded by Westerners (guess I haven't seen the 'real' Thailand!). But maybe I have learned something about Western culture instead (or at least those Westerners who like to leave the West). Everyone I have met has been really friendly – maybe not friends for life, but certainly a range of interesting people with an interest in life. And you can't ask for more than that.

Water world

I am now half-way through my Thailand adventure & I've spent the majority of my time on a small island in the southeast called Kho Tao. It's a very pretty place - your typical island paradise... palm trees, white sandy beaches, clear warm water - but to be honest I haven't seen much of it. Not because copious late night revelling has kept me holed up in my bungalow all day (although admitedly there has been a little of that) but because I've been spending most of my time underwater.

I have learned to dive, First I took the PADI open water course, but by the time you read this I will be a PADI advanced open water diver, and I'm loving it. The equipment gives you total reign over your environment: you are moving around a 3D world - you not only have forward & backward at your disposal, but also up, down, upside-down etc. I imagine it's what it would feel like if you could fly!

And as if this wasn't enough, the aqutic wildlife is amazing. The brightly coloured tropical fish makes you feel like you are swimming in an aquarium & the coral and aquatic plants are like nothing you've ever seen on dry land: mad colours and mad shapes!

I probably will move on from Kho Tao in the next day or two, but although I will be leaving the island I will definately still be diving!

Water, water everywhere (literally this time!)

My trip to Thailand started last week in Bangkok & coincided with the Songkran national holiday. Songkran is a water festival to celebrate the new lunar year. I was staying on the Kho San Road - a pretty busy place at the best of times, but during Songkran it was manic! Imagine the Nottinghill Carnival taking place on Carnaby Street & all the revellers armed with water pistols! Added to this watery mayhem are buckets of flour/talcum powder paste which people smear over fellow revellers, passers by & anything else that moves! No one is immune, but it all takes place with the utmost goodwill & friendliness. It seems the Thai people really know how to have a good time!

I have been wondering if this type of festival could happen anywhere else... Indonesia could certainly do with an event this jovial, but I think the people are too reserved. In England it might be a little too cold & I imagine that all too quickly it would turn violent. It's sad that I should make these assumptions - maybe you disagree?

The real Indonesia

The travellers I occassionally meet in Flores often say they are there in search of 'the real Indonesia'. But what makes Flores more real than say Java, or Bali?

I was pretty hard on Bali last time I was here - maybe I was looking for the 'real' Indonesia too. But not I am back, just staying one night on route to Thailand, & I like it much more now.

The things I complained about last time don't seem such a big deal - the traffic doesn't seem so crazy (at least it has 4 wheels); the hawkers don't seem so intrusive (at least they are trying to make a living, not just randomly shouting English words at you); and the crowds... well to be honest I now quite like seeing so many people from so many countries just looking for a bit of fun. Oh, & of course I also now like Bali because it has the shops, bars & restaurants I've been deprived of for so long!

So is Bali any less 'real' than Flores? Well if 'real' means poverty, rice three times a day and no hot water, then yes, it is. But I now know that, at least for me, reality is more than that.